New Wife: Ben Eight

[Mr. Eight’s letter to his Navy friend Benjamin Bligh in San Diego.]

Dear Ben,

I am having a boondoggle with the damn Purchase.^[1] I am having certain feelings about her that I can only explain to the jerk with a yen for ships.

But first, I have to tell you all about my damn struggle with Jake. He ain’t my usual type, being too old and manly, but there’s just something about him. I’ve told you he is hot, but I don’t think you know how hot he is. To put it in words you’d understand, he is like the MV Duntroon. But he is so damn annoying! He keeps calling me Benji and NOBODY CALLS ME BENJI! Always babbling on and on about whatever comes to mind, never letting me get an word in edgewise. But, by God, he is the only man I would let treat me like a little punk. Too bad he’s too damn Boy Scout to do anything.

So maybe I was feeling a little sexually frustrated when the Purchase came home. She was standing outside the bus babbling something to her friend Roxy about making flower crowns and that fruity shrink wearing them, when I realized my wife smelled really good. Insanely good. I have never felt such lust for her, not even when I made the mistake of marrying the bitch. My big dick tented in my pants in front of everyone. I grabbed her arm and dragged her to the bedroom where I did my sack duty. But then neither of us enjoyed it, like always. She asked me how Jake was, and I slapped her, but my heart wasn’t into it. Yet, what was that smell?

When I met the Purchase at that bar in Key West, I thought there was something about her that was different from all the other women. I told you, there’s something different about that bitch. I know everyone just called her frigid or shy, but I thought there was a mysterious charm to her. She’s like the SS Selma, but she’s not at the bottom of Galveston Bay. I thought I fucked faggots and punks because you don’t have to wine and dine them, and you know how I like to keep track of my wallet. I thought she was worth my money. I thought I was actually in love! Then I married her and I thought the answer to the mystery was she’s a goddamn nigger dyke! But maybe there’s more than that.

I think maybe she conspired with Dr. Engelbert to make herself attractive to me. I don’t trust that Nazi chancre-mechanic.^[2] I let him take my wife because he gave me money and it meant I could spend more time with Jake without her bitching, but maybe that was a mistake. I thought I wanted to be a normal man, but the thought of being a normal man in love with her disgusts me down to my soul. Would you want to be a normal man? I don’t think you would be as good with ships if you didn’t want to fuck them.

I think Dr. Engelbert is a secret Jew. I don’t trust Jews, they’re always after your money. He is keeping some kind of secret from me, that’s for sure. He’s like the goddamn RMS Lusitania. I might be secretly 1/8th black, but I’m not a dumb coon, and thanks God I’m a Christian and a gentile! I am going to find out his secret. Maybe he's with the Talented Tenth...^[3]

I wish I could get rid of my Purchase. I think about it all the time. It would be better if it was just me and Aunt Ruth. That’s how I was raised, with my pa and Aunt Ruth, and my ma long dead. If only the Purchase had died giving birth to my son. Though, some days I look in that crib and wonder if it was worth it. However my daughters are a delight, so much better woman company than my bitch Purchase.

Maybe I should tell Aunt Ruth that she should drink a little bit too much sometime. Unfortunately, she and my Purchase have some disgusting lesbian thing going on that I don’t understand. Probably the only thing keeping her from trying to divorce me and ruin my name for money, so I shouldn’t complain too much.

Anyway, I hope you get your promotion. You have more luck with your ship wives than I do with my flesh-and-blood wife!

Your Friend,
Ben

p.s. And I swear that damn maid is out there feeding my food to stray cats!