New Wife: Al Seven

[From Mr. Seven’s notebook, that was mostly just lists of automobiles and automobile parts.]

Notes for Confession

1. The past six months, where I said that my sins were being bored in Mass and getting frustrated that the colored maid was always whistling “Sweet Georgia Brown,” I was lying.
2. My wife ran up serious gambling debts and the Mafia wanted me to pay them off, so I had to co-operate with them.
3. I was NOT going to let them use my family business, which I inherited from my beloved father, who is still alive, for a chop shop. I may be an Italian-American, but I am an honest law-abiding citizen.
4. However, I still really needed to pay off these gambling debts. The Mafia was threatening to take my wife and force her into prostitution. Her honor was on the line. My honor was on the line. The honor of my family was on the line. The honor of all Italian women was on the line.
5. My wife is an honorable woman. Yes, she does gamble and yes she dresses as a man to do it, and my family says she’s a slut, but she is still a virtuous woman and she only dresses as man to avoid attention, like Joan of Arc.^[1] She would not want those rough men to do anything to her. I had to keep her honor.
6. Now, I do happen to be gifted in a certain area that priests are often gifted^[2] I have a huge braciole penis.
7. Understand that it was either my wife getting filmed breaking her marriage vows or me, and it is a minor sin if a man does it.
8. I do still understand adultery is a sin, even though the ladies I was with were not married or respectable.
9. Actually, the ladies I was with were not ladies. They were finooks transvestites.^[3]
10. I let transvestites suck me and I put my penis in their ass butt.
11. I did play the man’s role, so there’s that.
12. The worst part is I enjoyed that sex more than the sex I have with my wife. More than the sex I have ever had with my wife. It was the best sex of my life. I was rock hard and came buckets.
13. I love my wife and this is why I did it. She is my most precious possession. As you know, we moved to the suburbs so she would be away from the bookies and all that temptation.
14. She went to a self-improvement seminar and now she is cured of the urge to gamble, though she does need to wax her lip.
15. She says she helped out our neighbor, Peggy, when she was going through the DTs. She helped someone else conquer sin. She is such a good woman.
16. She says Dr. Engelbert did go around sighing a lot, but I think he is a good man and maybe he could help me?
17. Dr. Engelbert is such a good man for resisting that hot strawberry-blonde tomato, Betty.
18. I have had lustful thoughts about Mrs. [One].
19. Mr. [Five] is also good at resisting Mrs. [One]. He would be a good Catholic husband if he weren’t in that crazy Protestant faith where they sit around saying nothing for an hour. He would have punched out all those gangsters if they suggested that his wife undress for the camera. He never would have slept with transvestites.
20. Anyway, last week, the vice squad raided the studio, and my print was destroyed, so I am letting the Mafia use my business as a chop shop.
    In a way, it all turned out fine, nobody got the chance to sin to my film, so maybe I didn’t sin?
21. I really do get bored during Mass and I want to slap the maid when she whistles “Sweet Georgia Brown.”