New Wife: Harry Twelve

[From Mr. Twelve’s manifesto.]

WAKE UP, SHEEPLE! DEATH TO AMERIKKKA!

I should tell you about myself. My name is Harold [Twelve], of [Twelve] Shipping, a long-time Baltimore family. I was born in 1930. My father was an eccentric man who eschewed the Satanism common in the South for Darwinism. And my mother joined him in this, though she disagreed on his stance on circumcision, so I was spared that at least. I was their only child. My parents might be considered bleeding heart liberals. But at the end of the day, they were as bigoted and strict as any fascist.

Though I was given free rein to study and explore what I wanted, it was assumed that, by the time I was a man, that it would just be a hobby and I’d take over the family shipping business. I was a popular child, though I was not the best student, since I had poor handwriting. Thank whatever for the typewriter. I went to Columbia University and studied whatever I fancied, but my heart was really in ham radios. I used to think if everyone could communicate to everyone else on ham radios, we’d have world peace. I don’t believe that bullshit anymore.

I could go more into my background, but my life did not mean anything until I met the person who would change it irrevocable: Martha Green. I curse her name now, but I cannot tell you what I would be doing if it weren’t for her. I can tell you about our meeting: it involved a convention in New York City for fans of Brave New World and a Lenina Crowne costume. She complimented me on my costume and remarked it was daring that I did not shave off my signifying mustache. Though she was shy, she was on an important mission. It made me wonder what noises she made in bed. We went to a quiet spot and did some necking, which turned into heavy petting, which turned into some lewdness. I did not know this chance encounter was not by chance.

We were soon communicating to each other over ham radio. I introduced her to the concept. After a few months, we soon knew we wanted to get married. My parents disapproved of me marrying a Jew who had been in an insane asylum. They said they would stop paying for Columbia if I married her. I dropped out of Columbia, took her to Maryland, and married her. Her family was not happy either, but I did not hear from her famous Zayde until later.

Now that I did not have a college exemption, given to keep precious rich boys like me out of war, I was conscripted in the Army, just as things we heating up abroad.

So, I fought in the Korean War. The United States could not let the Korean people be free to choose their own destiny, it was forced upon them by the United States. I was so ignorant of the way the world worked before I went to Korea. Despite everything, I am still glad I went. It was there I met the true love of my life.

You see, my wife and I decided from the start that we would not be limited to each other. We believe that love should be free, that it cannot be contained to two people. When I went to Korea, we had an understanding that I might have sex with the men and women I met there.

So I met the man I do love, who called himself Lee Dong-Jin and worked as a scout for the U.S. Army. Really spunky, could be kind of grumpy, and was as into big Hollywood musicals as my wife, despite being born in the wrong hemisphere. He has other names, and other alignments, but I still trust him more than Martha. We participated in lewdness. My wife understood and I thought he understood, but he has grown to understand.

On July 3, 1951, I experienced the Incident that changed my life and the world. I was supposed to repair a broken radio on Pork Chop Hill. To get there, I was driving a Jeep with Lee Dong-Jin. We were discussing the rumor that Judy Garland is the leader of the Homintern,^[1] and looking forward to time off for Independence Day. Then, my memories stop. Next thing I know, I was in a hut on the banks of the Hantan River with Lee Dong-Jin tending me, feeling like I had the world’s worst hangover. It was July 13, several days later. Lee Dong-Jin told me I fought very bravely against a Chinese ambush, but I had succumbed to a strange virus. I did not find out the truth until almost three years later.

After that, I spent a lot of time in army hospitals. They did not know what was wrong with me. The best treatments the doctors could suggest was to live a life in the suburbs. I was skeptical of the doctors, but my wife wasn’t. I thought that odd at the time, since she had that horrible experience in the asylum, but now that I know her true alignment it is not a surprise at all.

I tried to like our cul-de-sac. I really did. I thought I liked some of my neighbors. The kids are cute, though I still never want to have children, ever. I bonded with some of the men, though I don’t feel like I’m really all a man. I had some very good conversations with Mr. [Ten]. Yet, I do not know who these people are anymore. The husbands all just seem disposable pawns to me and the wives are all in this cult, led by “Dr. Johan Engelbert,” AKA Dr. Levi Levi.

The madness all started at this 4th of July party at the house of the [One]'s. I already was not happy about celebrating this holiday, with the torture this country has put me and the Korean people through, along with being the anniversary of the Incident. Yet I attended. I thought we were one hour late, but instead we were on time. Still, Mrs. Betty [One] ruthlessly belittled my wife. Betty thinks just because she’s gorgeous she can do anything. Dr. Engelbert proposed a month-long re-education camp in a remote part of Maryland. I objected to this fascism. Martha decided to be the hold-out that didn’t go. Of course, she did not stick to that.

After that, I had a sleeping spell and went to the guest bedroom, though Betty of course complained about that. I woke up halfway, as I heard my wife and Dr. Engelbert talk. You see, I knew all this time that Dr. Engelbert was Dr. Levi Levi. Like her, I trusted that a Jew would not hurt a Jew so terribly. I thought I could trust Dr. Levi Levi. I kept from my wife that I knew this.

Martha came back from the seminar full of energy. She said she did not have any problems with her menstruation when she was there. She also helped Mrs. Eight get over her fear of needles. Much of our post-seminar discussion was about Dr. Engelbert. They spent many an evening looking at the stars together and discussing the movies of Ernst Lubitsch. It was clear she had fallen in love with him. Though we had a Bohemian relationship, I did not want him to be in it. I know that she also did not want to ask for that, since she thought I thought he was a Nazi doctor. It was something out of a screwball comedy they will have in the 2010s, but I had to live it today.

We would have bigger things to worry about. From the end of the summer of 1953 to the beginning of the summer of 1954, various factions would take interest in our little damned cul-de-sac. It was ended up to being like the Battle of the Five Armies.

Everyone is wondering what faction Dr. Levi Levi is working for, but the TRUTH is he is working for no faction but his own. He is a renegade going by his own demented plans and everyone in this cul-de-sac is going along with the ride. But I am calling for an END TO IT ALL.