4th of July 1953: Martha Twelve

Dear Yorkie,
I have some insane news about yesterday! Even more insane than Frank Sinatra and Ava Gardener! I have already written to my handler at Aspie’s Army about this^[1], and of course I can tell you.

So, it all started when I went to a 4th of July party, celebrating our independence over you guys, haha. I thought it started at eleven because I just knew Betty wouldn’t make it easy for us, but I was wrong and it started at noon! We were actually on time for once, but she didn’t care. Ugh! She was also angry we didn’t bring a side, which is actually a fair cop.

So I went home to make a side. I thought we already had cooked rice but we didn’t, so I tried to make rice from scratch. For some reason, my rice wouldn’t cook! So I gave up and decided to grab the best thing from the fridge, which I thought was the package of Nova Lox my dad sent me from Brooklyn. He really always chose to carry the best Nova Lox in all the world whenever he opened a deli, shame they all failed. However, when I brought it to the party, Betty treated it like I had brought in a turd! She wanted me to throw it out! However, she got distracted by her son soon after, so I stashed it away in the guest room.

Meanwhile, Harry stayed at the party and talked with Peggy. They have been getting along like a house on fire. I think she has a crush on him. I don’t mind, since as you know, we’re a Bohemian couple. When I reunited with my husband, I joked about Harry and Peggy making out, and Peggy blushed like a redhead.

At three, there was going to be a clown show outside, but instead it rained. All the parents went down to the basement. Well, the parents, and us childless [Twelve]s, and Dr. Johan Engelbert, the Nazi doctor. He told us all about this self-improvement seminar he will hold in Deep Creek Lake, which he wants us all to join. He was insistent on it. I didn’t want to because, well, he’s a Nazi. I was the lone holdout. Everyone else wanted to join, especially Betty. I wasn’t sure I could handle a month with Betty.

After the rain ended and we were back up in the sun, Harry complained to me about Dr. Engelbert. He said it was awful that the U.S. government allowed such an evil man to go free, but it was no surprise when the United States created so much evil in this world. I told him not to let anyone else hear what he said, especially Betty. Soon after that, Harry went into a “Yes, We Have No Bananas” mood, and did not have the energy to party anymore. I had to beg Betty to allow my husband to sleep in the guest room.

Afterward, Peggy wanted us all to play her party games, but nobody wanted to, not even me. I feel sorry for her, but she has to understand we all came to the party for the pool. She eventually wandered off and got drunk. I wish I had played her party games.

Then dinner came. Harry slept through it but I enjoyed it. We had fried chicken, Virginia ham, and BBQ brisket for dinner. My dad makes better brisket but the fried chicken was good. The strawberry and blueberry chiffon cake was very pretty, out of a magazine, but I find ugly cakes tend to be tastier.

After dinner we had more schmoozing. I talked with Mr. [Eight] about his ship’s cat Mr. Tibb. They used to dress him (the cat) up as Carole Lombard from My Man Godfrey, and as Scarlet O’Hara in the curtain dress from Gone With the Wind. Neat! I wanted to see pictures but he just wanted to complain about the cat.

So, after all that stress, I was up in the guest room watching Harry sleep and, well, eating the Nova Lox. It was then that Dr. Engelbert came in.

“I love Nova Lox,” he said.

“You aren’t allergic to it?” I asked.

He closed the door behind him and sat down on the side of the bed.

“Actually, I’m not allergic to shellfish. In fact I love shellfish, it’s my favorite food. I don’t get the love for pork, it looks like human flesh to me. But crab, and lobster, and shrimp are so delicious. I’m so angry that I can’t eat Maryland crab cakes,” he answered.

He had become something else. It was like he was Alec Guinness changing into different aristocratic family member^[2], except for him he was changing from a Teutonic scientist to a Yiddish poet.

“Why are you pretending to be allergic to shellfish?” I asked.

“Because Dr. Johan Engelbert is allergic to shellfish.”

“Aren’t you Dr. Johan Engelbert?”

“I am a Jew, Dr. Levi Levi.”

“You’re a Jew? A Jew like me? I mean, like I was until junior high?”

“Yes I am.”

“Really? Prove it.”

He then recited the Mourner’s Kaddish perfectly, and he sounded just like he came from the Old Country. I asked him who this Dr. Levi Levi was.

He explained that he was born in Poland, in this city on the Baltic Coast called Gadinsk^[3], to a Jewish mother and a German tourist father. Dr. Engelbert was his secret half-brother. His stepfather was a respected surgeon, named Dr. Aaron Levi. He had wanted to be an actor, but his stepfather refused to let him be one, and his mother went along with his father’s wishes.

He suffered a nervous breakdown and spent some time in an asylum like I did. After this, he decided to go into psychiatry, so he could help people like himself, and people like me. Then the War happened and he ended up in Mauthausen, working under the real Dr. Johan Engelbert. When Dr. Engelbert died, he switched places with him.

It was all such a strange story.

“Why are you telling me this?” I asked him.

He held my hands and looked at me with his one good green eye. “I want you to trust me, because I can help you.”

“Why do you want to help me?”

“When I was freed from the camp, I made a vow to Hashem that I would improve mankind.”

“And the counseling and vitamin shots will improve us?”

“It will work miracles on you, if you just trust me.”

“I’m still not sure. I don’t want to leave my husband for an entire month.”

“Look, you are scatterbrained and lack confidence. You let that antisemite Betty boss you around. You can’t be there for your husband if you can’t be there for yourself.”

I decided to say yes to the seminar for my husband.

I know it sounds crazy, but I trust this Dr. Levi Levi. He is a kindred spirit.
I remember my time in Bedlam as a teen-ager, and it would have been so much better if my doctors understood what it was like to be crazy. He’s crazy too.
So we shared the Nova Lox until it was time for Betty’s gun show. Dr. Levi Levi left the room before me. Betty found me and lectured me on my snacking.

So I went outside to see this gun show. Betty again talked about her sister, and I was thinking she never talks about her brother. She once said he was feeble-minded, but not anything more than that.

Well, in any case, there was no gun show since Marge brought fireworks. I have to admit I felt some schadenfreude at that. Well, Betty had her revenge, waking poor Harry up after that.

At home, I told Harry I wanted to go to the seminar. I did not tell him Dr. Levi Levi’s secret.

Surprisingly, Harry agreed to it, even though he thought Dr. Engelbert was a Nazi.

Well, I guess I’m spending my summer camping! Though I’ll be back home in time for my birthday on August 21st. The Dong can take care of Harry while I’m gone.^[4]

What a day! I know you’re British, but the Declaration of Independence says we are guaranteed the pursuit of happiness. Not actual happiness. As Harry says, we are allowed to chase it the same way a racedog chases a rabbit at the dog track.
Let me tell you, the American pursuit of happiness can get tiring. I feel exhausted. I hope that Dr. Levi Levi, or Dr. Engelbert, or however I should call him, is right. I hope I can be happy. Just having that hope makes me feel a little happy.

Dos vidaniya, suckers!!!
Matty